Growth is the only evidence of life.

My inability to fall into slumber has driven me to convene some thoughts into this space. Haven't amalgamated my thoughts in a long while, having been simply skimming through life without much thought.

I am alas, burdened to align the bearing of my life. After considering various options, I've decided to pursue my education in Singapore, because of a mishmash of several reasons: The most important being that I have come to realize that I'm not ready for independence. Ruefully, the washing machine baffles me and I still can't whip a proper meal that does not constitute of something instant-made. On top of that, I know how ill disciplined I am and how uncontrollable I would be. Last but not least, I've grown to love my mother so much more I can't detach myself from her.

She's an unmatched mother- impeccable in housework, an exceptionally good listener and bearing a heart of gold. More often than not, kudos to the fact that I'm the baby of the family, I'm spoilt by her. I would never tolerate a daughter like myself, who galvanises and spends a large deal of time splurging on the unecessities of life. I love my mother so much its rather inexpressible. :')

Back to the topic, I've decided to enrol into University of Buffalo to do a course in Communications. I really seek to excel after having wasted so much time slothing around. And I deeply appreciate my family's unrelentless support. I would never be this Lydia without them. :) May all go well with you too!

We can catch this by the tail in time,
as the ship sets sail we're all in flight;
and we'll barrel past these stars tonight.
- Runaway World by Making April

Last September was an arduous and distressing month that left me muddled for a year after. If asked to pinpoint a specific time that my life went downhill, it would've been this time last year. Been through an awful period time of my life from then till now, but as G.A puts it, "I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."

This September has been hectic and rather insane, with work scheduled one day after another. Although slightly regretful for making too many commitments and depriving myself of a social life, I feel much better on a whole. Probably the best thing that happened to since I've started work was to take an off day from work yesterday to laze around, catch a movie and play mahjong. Obviously, there are repercussions and aftermath of such an enjoyable day-- my eyelids feel compelled to stay close as I struggled to peel myself off bed, my feet felt heavier with each step to work, and my mind was drifting everywhere else while I was working. On the bright(er) side, my weekend getaway on a cruise is just a week away! (Not to mention that its FOC hehehehe).

Haven't been here in awhile, for those who still read this, have a smurfulous & smurfastic week ahead!

La la la-la la la, sing a happy song.
La la la-la la la, smurf your whole day long.

I came to this space, to realize that I can neither convene my thoughts nor systematize my words when I am void of emotions.

If only there could be some form of adamantine armor or shield that would bulwark me from any form of rue & sorrow. I've been resolute in the fact that even if things don't go the way you expect for it to be, it's for the best & that you just have to live with it. At least you can clout your mind with what you choose to believe in, and be happy about it. There's a goulash of thoughts within me, & I can't set up a barricade to filter them. It's just too big a loss to know that you've spent so much time on a person to find that alas, he/she is nothing but a stranger. & in all that you've given and loved, you've done it all alone.

This is the first & last time I'd blog with such a heavy heart. I'm Lydia Liao, & optimism is my strength.

It is more difficult to forgive the ones you love. The ones you thought you knew inside out, crystal-ball their movements and hear their tacit thoughts. I assumed that the brainwork & thoughts planted in my brain would wither, but they flowered instead.

This is when forgiveness has to come. Knock in, will you?

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily- that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either… I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."
— Natalie Anne Erlanson

I think I've been too cynical about things. I always thought I'd be more of a fighter at things- to hold, be brave and risk for the worth of things. I feel like I've lived a life of nothingness, & I feel like doing so much more.

Today, I finally got around to doing stuff- sent out resumes & sent my application for volunteer at the Singapore Children’s Society. I don't want to settle at being complacent with life. As it always goes, "there's gotta be more to life" aye?

On a side note, I really am beginning to enjoy Dair. :)